Tag: self-care

photography of yellow hibiscus under sunlight

Where are you spreading your sunshine? Aka the glorious and finite nature of your attention.

If we think of your attention an energy as a kind of light you can shine, where are you putting that effort? 

And who is putting it into you? 

The most satisfying relationships are the ones where the energy you put in is roughly equal (with allowances for child/ adult relationships and others where it can’t be the same). 

When we’re younger we’re a little more indiscriminate, and we tend to give our emotional energy to things that don’t always feel satisfying to us, but we haven’t learned not to yet. 

While as adults, we only usually do that when we have an issue that’s holding us back (i.e. as a wound from childhood that is trying to get healed). 

And there are different ways to put energy into people. For example:

– listening

– paying attention

– praising

– giving feedback

– supporting emotionally

– cheering up

– laughing with/ flirting

– validating

– connecting people with others

– giving advice

– problem-solving for them

– thinking for them

You might notice it as the sparkle in someone’s eyes when they talk to you, a text or call, a book recommendation, a suggestion of someone you might want to meet, a pat on the back, words of encouragement or advice, amongst many other forms. 

All these things are the little intangibles of being in relationship. And as such, we don’t always think about how we’re spending that effort. But we definitely notice when we’re starting to feel drained though. 

This isn’t a do this or don’t do this post. It’s just a question (OK, a couple): 

Is there somewhere you’re spending that energy that isn’t being reciprocated or is otherwise draining you?

Are you doing it because on you hope it will one day become mutual or satisfying? 

Where would be better to put your attention/ energy? 

I would say that even if someone is a friend or close relative, if the energy you put into them is always squandered, you’d be better off using it to cheer up your local barista. 

And sometimes people give all the appearance of reciprocating, but it’s only the appearance. The warmth and energy that should be coming through the smile or attention to energise us, doesn’t, and we can be left feeling confused and jaded – after all our brain saw we were receiving something, but at the same time our heart knows we didn’t actually receive it. It’s like zero sugar drinks making your insulin spike for no reason, because the sweetness was just a trick. And it might not be intentional, people are often doing the best they can do, but it still may not be enough for us.

And if, thinking about this, you realise someone has been putting emotional energy into you, it would be great to just recognise that and feel grateful. It’s not nothing, it’s a real effort for people. 

I hope that wherever you’re investing your emotional energy, it is paying off for you. 

And as always, take care! 

abandoned factory

Figuring Out How Someone Is Broken Inside

Trigger warning/ caution: I wouldn’t do this exercise if you are feeling sensitive right now, or raw from something that someone has done. As always, seek help from a qualified professional if you need to.

If, like pretty much everyone else in the world, you know someone who is unkind or has a bad habit and you want to deepen your understanding of why, this may help you. 

I thought of the exercise below just today and I like it as a way of cutting through all the logical arguments you, they and others have supplied, which don’t match up with the emotional charge, consequences, reactions or likely intentions of their actions. 

It’s best to do it with an open mind because it is a gut-reaction search for information, not an intellectual figuring-out of a problem. Also try to minimise your judgements of the person and the situation because they make us less open to receiving information. Finally, it is most likely unhelpful to tell the person your experience, this is just for your own understanding.

Exercise: How Are they Broken?

  1. Close your eyes.
  2. Imagine doing one thing that they have done, something unkind, unhelpful or unhealthy. 
  3. While picturing yourself doing it, follow the feeling all the way back to the inside of you and imagine/ wonder what you would have to feel like inside to want to act that way yourself. 
  4. When you’re ready, remind yourself that you and they are separate beings and release any feelings that do not belong to you. 
  5. Open your eyes.

This exercise, like all self-help exercises, can give us unexpected and useful information about a situation.

Of course, it doesn’t make us experts on others and sometimes our minds can step in and tell us what to see, rather than allowing our intuition to supply fresh (to our conscious minds anyway) information – especially if we’re holding a grudge! And sometimes we’re projecting our own stuff onto other people and situations. So it’s worth treating the results as a possible, not ultimate, truth.   

It’s also good to bear in mind that it’s not always useful to have empathy for unkind people, especially if your empathy has a tendency to lower your boundaries. It depends on how easy it is for you to feel empathy and have a healthy relationship with that person and care for yourself at the same time. 

But it can be an interesting exercise because we can all either down-play things, make excuses for people or judge them too harshly. Using an exercise like this to understand someone’s habitual unhelpful behaviour may give us a sense of the internal pattern that’s causing it. That can help us get more perspective and even to take appropriate action. 

Even when we’ve been severely hurt, understanding the underlying, constant state of pain a person can be living with can really help us with our own recovery (as long as we don’t decide to try and fix or save them – that’s their job if they’re an adult).

It can even help us to take it less personally. After all, hurt people hurt people (or themselves). If it’s not you, it would likely be someone else. So, as strange as it may seem, drawing the person’s dynamic even closer to us with this visualisation may actually give us more distance from it, through the perspective we gain.

I hope this was useful for you. 

And as always, take care!

Additional note: As I mentioned above if you need specific help, such as therapy, do seek it out. Also, if you’re worried about someone who is acting in a way that is harmful to themselves or others, there may be people you can reach out to for support for yourself, even if they are not yet ready for help themselves. Remember to always take care of yourself and your boundaries first, so that you can be happy and whole, a much better foundation for taking care of others. Finally, if you’re dealing with a hurtful person it may also be useful to revisit the post on dealing with narcissists in case that is relevant to your situation.

Photo of a broken bridge

Reclaiming Parts of Life Others Have Ruined for Us

I wanted to write about this topic because it’s another area of life that isn’t usually talked about directly. 

Before we begin, I need to say that if you need to reach out to a therapist for help with any issues that come up, please do so.

Trigger warning: If the subject of bullying or abuse is too triggering for you right now, skip this article. 

OK, with that said, let’s start with me giving you an example, because I know this concept may seem vague. 

Let’s say you were bullied in school by someone who loved a certain band. In fact, you used to like that band too, but the association with the bully ruined it for you. Years later you could be driving along and one of their songs comes on and you’re right back to feeling angry and insecure. 

The interesting thing about this to me is that it appears that the bully has more power. They have, in a way, claimed the band for their own, perhaps even intentionally ruining your love of them. Because bullies are (acting like) £$%holes. 

But let’s say you grow up and one day meet the band and realise they’re great people. They wouldn’t even like the bully or want to be associated with that person in any way. In fact, they would think they were an £$%hole too. 

So all these years, the association of the bully has stood between you and your love for a band, even though that person has no more power than you. In fact, they’re weaker because their personal power is so low they have to try and steal it from others. And the band isn’t associated with them at all and if they were, wouldn’t like them.

This kind of pattern can apply to almost anything:

  • Hobbies like cooking, painting, dancing. 
  • Smells of any kind you associate with someone you dislike, colours and sounds. 
  • Places, restaurants, entire countries or nationalities – perhaps even races and in extreme cases genders. 
  • Aspects of life including: self-care, intimacy, exercise, healthy diet
  • Names (you wouldn’t name your child after your school bully!)
  • Entertainment such as books, movies
  • Sports, games
  • Style choices, brands
  • Jobs. 

The list is endless! 

I currently have a negative association with a certain smell and right now I have something very similar melting in my wax burner. As the smell is released, I’m sitting here and trying, with an open mind, to rediscover what that my relationship to that smell is, without interference from the memory of the other person. I’m finding, as is often the case, that I’m detangling my true self and experience of life from that person’s pain and poor behaviour. 

This isn’t like the process of desensitisation that therapists will take you through when you have a phobia (although if the thing triggers you strongly, perhaps you should reach out to a therapist). It is about finding how you relate to that specific thing in a genuine way. 

And this is important, because I believe when you get disconnected from something because of a person or an association (such as a negative event) – you haven’t only lost your connection to that thing. You have lost connection to a part of yourself. 

The part of yourself that enjoys that band, that colour, that hobby. That smell. 

It isn’t always so easy to reclaim something when it triggers difficult emotions. But it can be a wonderful way to start working through those emotions. It may take you a long time, you may need to take baby steps and spread your efforts out over time. I think the key thing is not to try bypass your emotions or take back your power by convincing yourself you’re OK (which is really common when you feel someone has taken your power away and you want to get it back as quickly as possible by pretending you’re OK). As you reclaim that part you will also get more of your power back naturally. 

Whatever you are reclaiming for yourself, it is your birthright. No one can dictate your relationship to yourself or the world around you – there shouldn’t be another person stuck in there (or their “stuff”). 

Here is my crude diagram of that:

diagram of person in centre and things they relate to in circle around them, including smells, music, jobs, sports etc.

Unfortunately abusive people are often trying to insert themselves where they don’t belong, so if you have suffered from that, reclaiming this space can take a bit more effort. You have to separate who you are from how they want you to react, from who they actually are and from how they want to appear and other issues. It gets a bit tangly and messy. 

So take your time, follow your instincts, and just remember that any time you sense someone else has come between you and your relationship to something (or someone) and it no longer feels genuine, that you can always reclaim that for yourself. 

I have done another basic diagram where I labelled the person who ruined something for you a “boundary breaker”. Of course, you might have a negative association with someone who didn’t even do anything wrong, but it’s a bit less common. 

Diagram is explained in text below, shows person a circle in 1, in 2 with section missing, in 3 section is reconnected

As you can see in step 1, your relationship to a thing (I’ve labelled it “anything specific”) gets a bit weird when someone interferes with it by crossing a boundary into the space between you and that thing, where it should just be you and your personality. 

In number 2, part of you splits off from the rest of you, showing that when your genuine connection to something is damaged, it can also damage a part of your connection to yourself, usually a specific aspect of yourself. The boundary breaker is shown as having that thing (and part of you) in a net – because that’s how it feels, not because they could actually ever take that thing from you.

And in 3 you’ve reclaimed that part and by doing so you are more integrated within yourself. Your relationship to that thing is your own again. The boundary breaker is less relevant and you no longer give them as much power. 

That is a topic for another day, but it’s important to mention that although the title of this article is about other people doing something to you, to a certain extent we have also allowed them to do it to us. This can feel very triggering – especially if someone was abusive and even more if they were in a position of power. It is not to say your experience is not real. It is more a sense of shifting our own power back to our centre, and knowing we are the masters of our own inner experience. 

It’s not easy to do. I often fail. I often feel like people are taking advantage, or doing something to me. And to a certain extent, they are. But we mustn’t overestimate the power of weak people, or spend too much of our time or energy on them. This also extends to not allowing weak people to dictate our inner sense of ourselves and our relationship to the world around us, as I’ve spoken about here.

And “weak people” isn’t the kindest term. I really mean people who aren’t currently acting out of their best selves. But it is accurate in terms of what they are often putting out into the world. 

If you’re an HSP (highly sensitive person) like me, you may attract, and be affected by, more than your fair share. However, it is something we all have to deal with on some level. 

So if you want to try an exercise I just wrote for this, I’ve put that below. I hope you get to enjoy that smell, eat that pizza, listen to that song, wear that colour or any other thing you’ve been avoiding!

Let me know how it goes and what you’re reclaiming.

And as always, take care!

Exercise for Reclaiming What’s Yours

Have a think about the people who you dislike and/or who treated you badly and just wonder with an open mind – is there anything they ruined for me? 

And now try really clearly telling yourself that they don’t own that thing. (It may help to imagine the thing as really big and the person as really small).

Finally, see if you can ask yourself with an open mind, how you can reclaim that thing back for yourself? And maybe also wonder what that would mean to you. 

reflection of woman s eye on broken mirror

Dealing with Narcissists (Part 2)

OK, we’re back, and I have four more aspects for you to look at to help you in dealing with the narcissist in your life.

6. They Make You So Very Confused

This also relates to my previous point about them telling you an issue is X, but it’s actually something very different, usually behind the scenes. But it’s not just that.

Octopii flood the water with ink to defend themselves from predators. To a narcissist anyone who can see them clearly feels like a predator. That’s way too vulnerable for them. 

Their kind of ink is mental confusion. The confusion they create is its own reward for them, they get more room to pretend and to manoeuvre and to make out that the facts aren’t the facts. It’s a win, win, win for them. 

They have various methods, the most well-known is gaslighting – where they essentially make you doubt that a fact is a fact and at the extreme end make you doubt even your own sanity. Because they are so brazen it can be hard to spot them doing it, especially as we all make some allowances in differences in communication between individuals. Surely they can’t really have meant that, tends to be the general feeling.

Often they have nothing to back their arguments up with so instead they use a sense of their own superiority as a battering ram, accompanied by a vague phrase meant to override your well-explained arguments or evidence. These may include: “you clearly don’t understand/ are exaggerating/ misunderstood/ wasn’t my intention” etc etc – anything that is so vague they can use it as an excuse not to provide any actual information, but with a tone that conveys that specifics are beneath them. You are beneath them. 

This is just one example of the extremely slippery nature of dealing with communication with a narcissist. And although the mechanism is interesting, it’s really the effect we should focus on. The mental confusion. 

If you leave a meeting or read an email etc and all you feel is a brain fog, or a sense of disorientation, or other confusion, that feels much more untethered than normal confusion, you need to take a step back. 

Take a moment, centre yourself, breathe. 

Have someone else read the email, or listen to you recount the conversation. See if there is any clarity to be found. Are there any answers there? Or was the main purpose to make you feel confused? 

“Why are they causing confusion now?”, you may ask. Perhaps they’re about to lose face, perhaps they feel threatened. It doesn’t matter. Get back to a sense of clarity within yourself, grounding yourself in the facts and breathing, then if you need to continue with communication, stay polite and stay clear. I’m a big fan of short sentences and numbered points. People who are refusing to give you information, or want to confuse you, will struggle to do that more with numbered points, probably because there is more pressure to give solid facts in answer to each. 

7. You Feel Strange Emotions That Are Hard to Process

When you pick up other people’s emotions, they’re really hard to process – probably because you don’t know where they’re from or have any information on what caused them. 

If, for example, someone drops something on your foot and you get a rush of self-protective anger, that usually passes easily (if the person apologises and there’s no lasting damage). 

But if someone dropped something on a narcissist’s foot and it triggered them and they felt rage, but they supressed it because they were with someone they wanted to impress, but the rage lingered and then they took it out on you – you wouldn’t have any of the context to deal with the rage they had shifted onto you. It’s kind of – sticky. (And icky).

I think that often what the narcissist is trying to make you feel, that’s how they feel deep down inside. So if, when you’re dealing with them, and you feel small, insignificant, uninteresting, wrong, strange, unattractive, for example, – perhaps that’s how they feel deep down about themselves. 

But let’s shift the focus back to you again. You may be feeling some emotions that are strange for you, or normal emotions but of an unusual intensity. 

Your mind is probably stuck on the details of the conflict, and while it is, it’s really hard to deal with the underlying dynamic that’s going on and to work through the emotions that have been put on you/ engendered in you. 

This isn’t about avoiding responsibility for our own feelings, it’s about the difficulty of navigating feelings we have, that were probably the underlying goal of a strange interaction. This is something a lot of us are unprepared for because we think people are using communication to share information with us, rather than to hurt us. In this context communication becomes something else. 

But back to the emotions! Something is dropped on your foot – “ow! Hey! “sorry”, “OK”, is my very rough summary of this. But if anger is dropped on you from out of nowhere, it lingers, circles, confusing us, making us stub our toes, drop things, we just don’t know what to do with this foreign body. We don’t even know it’s not of us. 

So here’s a rough guide to dealing with these “foreign body” emotions:

Step 1. Acknowledge the things you are feeling that are unusual for you, and what you think was the trigger. If it’s been going on for a while, see if you can spot a pattern of triggers and the emotions that result. 

Step 2. is to understand the dynamic that is leading to these feelings and then gracefully bow out. If you do not accept the emotions it is harder to put them on you, and this is easier when you can clearly spot what is happening. You can even try saying “no thank you” when you feel them arising and visualise releasing them back to their rightful owner. You should feel a shift, and feel lighter, freer or clearer.

(If these steps don’t work for you, you can also try processing your emotions using the methods I’ve spoken about previously on this blog). 

If you already have a wound that fits that feeling, it’s much easier for someone to make you feel it. In this case you can wonder when you first felt this way, to find a clue for inner-child work you might benefit from. Working with a therapist can help a lot in this area. 

8. You May Find Yourself Addicted to The Struggle/ Relationship

Whatever situation you have found yourself in with the narcissist – whether it’s romantic, work, family, or other. It may be addictive.

The drama, the highs and lows, the desire to win, the lovebombing or breadcrumbing, the intensity of it. It can really make you feel like it’s the biggest deal in the world. 

I understand. When someone hurts you really badly and you just want to win your power back. When a narcissist withholds love and attention but then shines that spotlight on you just as you’re about to leave, and you feel all the love you were hoping for. That desire for vindication, for validation of the effort you’ve put in or the suffering you’ve endured. 

All that can never come from a narcissist. 

Sure, they convince you that this connection is the thing, that they’re important, that you need them to love you or approve of you, or that you are powerless unless you “win”. 

All of that is fake. The only victory worth winning when it comes to narcissists is to get away as cleanly as possible from them. And then have, or keep having, a great life.

Of course, there are exceptions – you could win back a sum of money, or they could be fired, or face other consequences of their actions. 

But your power lies within you, that’s where it has been all along. You can’t wrestle it back from them – they don’t have it. Your power is in you, your passions, your goals, your sense of self. That’s all within you. 

So if you believe on any level that you may have become too caught up in a relationship or a struggle with a narcissist, try the following steps (if it’s too much just do the first two). 

  1. Take a deep breath, let it out. Do that a couple more times. 
  2. Think about the things that are really important to you, the things that give your life meaning and the things that make you feel joy. 
  3. Say to yourself “I choose where my power goes and how I use it”, feel your power within you. 
  4. Call to mind the connection with the narcissist briefly and say to yourself “I am ready to let go” and feel that in your whole being. Visualise the connection floating away into the distance and disappearing.
  5. Bring your attention back to your power. And now also to the things that are important to you. Visualise your power flowing towards the things that are important to you. 

9. They Try and Get Into Your Idea of Reality and Mess It Up

This ties in a lot with several of the points above – the mental confusion, making you think the explicit issue is the issue when it isn’t, undermining your power. 

But I want to talk about your sense of reality as a separate issue before we finish because it is such a common theme with everyone I’ve seen who has had to deal with a narcissist. 

Even the really level-headed clients I’ve had, who have had a run-in with a narcissist where they had ample evidence and support to back them up as well as an infrastructure that made dealing with them fairly simple. Even their sense of reality had a ding in it afterwards.

It is most likely the gaslighting, but I think it is often also the damage to their sense of reality is that they had an idea of what was a minimum of good behaviour or professionalism – and then that was thrown out of the window. Because narcissists try to make everyone stoop to their level and normalise bad behaviour, many find their ability to assume the best in others and trust people is damaged afterwards. 

In the worst case scenarios the narcissist causes the person to doubt themselves, their worthiness, abilities and even their knowledge of who they are. The damage to their reality – to how they experience themselves – can be long lasting and painful, and usually needs professional help to get over. 

For others it’s just a lingering confusion around what happened – like however much they puzzle over it, they can’t get it straight in their mind. 

If you’ve had an interaction, a struggle or a relationship with a narcissist – how has your sense of reality changed? Think about both your experience of the world, and also of yourself. 

If you can’t grasp the answer, try casting your mind back to before you met this person. What has changed?

So, in these two pretty long and eclectic articles I’ve tried to cover many of the most important dynamics of dealing with narcissists. Although understanding their actions and behaviours is very important, it is often the underlying dynamics that I see eroding people’s wellbeing the most, so I hope you have gained an understanding of how to deal with these more explicitly.

At the end of the day, it’s very sad that people suffering from narcissism are wounded and will most likely die with those wounds, never fully knowing themselves, because they hardly ever seek help. But we have to release ourselves from any responsibility for their lives. We can only ever really be responsible for our own lives and we can only bring all of the gifts we offer into the world if we stay intact and healthy enough to do so. 

The healthier our cultures become, both psychologically and in other areas, the less narcissists will be able to victimise others and benefit from aggressive behaviour. So, I believe effort is best spent keeping ourselves healthy and contributing to the growth and evolution of the cultures we are a part of, rather than trying to “fix” narcissists. That is best left to the professionals. 

If you’d like to know more, I enjoy Dr Ramini’s videos on youtube. There are some amazing books and other resources out there also, but if you’ve been badly affected I think your first stop should be to see a therapist if you haven’t already.

If your wellbeing has taken a beating from dealing with a narcissist, I also have an exercise for boosting self-love you can try here. 

Finally, if you know someone who has been affected and you think this article could help, please share it with them. I love helping more people. 

And as always, take care! 

reflection of woman s eye on broken mirror

Dealing with Narcissists (Part 1)

It’s not great when you have to deal with someone suffering from narcissism. A large part of the difficulty is the level of psychological manipulation that goes with it, as well as the self-doubt and the damage to your self-esteem that can result. 

If narcissists looked and sounded like the wounded animals lashing out that they are, we’d all be saved a lot of time, effort and heartache. But unfortunately for us, they are often charming, intelligent, in positions of influence and are well-thought of by many people. This makes any situation where you have to stand up to one, or prove your side of the story, a real challenge. 

I’ve experienced the hardships of dealing with narcissists first hand and supported many clients going through it too. I’ve both witnessed and felt the emotional, physical and mental impact of prolonged abuse from them, and one of the most effective self-defence weapons we can add to our arsenal is getting informed. So in this blog article I’m going to talk about what I’ve learned about recovering from difficult situations with narcissists and regaining your sense of self, agency and strength, I hope it’s useful to you.

Before we start I just want to remind you that I am not a psychiatrist/ psychologist and also I don’t recommend diagnosing others. I should also mention that we all have a bit of narcissism, a bit of “please delete that photo and post the one with the nice light where I look cute”. The difference is really the extent and whether or not you are leaving a trail of wounded people in your wake as you move through life. I’m taking an educated guess that if you’re reading this, you’re not. 

With that said, let’s look at some of the main traits of narcissists: 

They feel like they are entitled to what they want

They need attention, admiration and praise

They lack empathy for the feelings and suffering of others 

They rarely take responsibility for their own actions

They see themselves as better than others, when not treated this way they can become rude or even abusive.

The last example reminds me of a time I went on holiday to Greece and this terrible (IMO) couple kept walking around the beach saying “boy, bring me my towel”, “boy bring our drinks” – and then to each other “he’s a good boy”. The “boy” was a Greek man in his 40s. When they finally settled, the woman waded into the sea and half a minute later started screaming really loudly – the water was full of biting fish that had surrounded her and were nibbling rather aggressively. If you’ve never felt the joy of a whole beach-full of people smiling silently at the same time, well, I recommend it. It feels a bit like a summer breeze.  

A well-adjusted therapist would most likely tell you they could have been going through something etc. And perhaps that’s the case. But I thought if you’ve been having to deal with a narcissist you could probably use a little pick-me-up right now, like an example of instant karma.

Because dealing with them can be protracted and messy and difficult. If there is either: 1. no way for them to extract themselves from a situation with you while saving face or 2. they’ve been using you as a scapegoat and they have no better options, then you may be in for a rough ride. Sorry. 

But it’s my aim to share what I’ve learned about how to protect and handle yourself through the self-development tools I’ve gained over the years. Again – not a therapist though – if you need one do go and see one, I can’t replace them. 

OK, let’s start! These are the main issues I see people having:

1. The Person Suffering From The Narcissist’s Behaviour Believes the Named Issue Is the Issue

So many people (including myself) are so rocked by dealing with these people (which is part of their strategy by the way), that they’re desperate to right the situation. So the narcissist complains about X and you reply in a reasonable way, but somehow it gets worse and you become more confused. Perhaps you come up with more options, perhaps you spend a lot of time trying to figure out their point of view, or understand what they need. 

What ALL my clients struggle getting their head around is – it’s not about X. Most of the time it was never about X. You’re trying to make everything better by fixating on X. But really X is, and has always been, a decoy. 

The narcissist’s goal wasn’t fixing X. It was to get you to think about X while they cross your boundaries, make you doubt yourself, make you spend a lot of energy thinking about them, give themselves a power trip, take pleasure in your discomfort, discredit you, or boost their own ego by making you look incompetent.

If you see what their actual goal is you will manage to alleviate a lot of the confusion you are feeling. It’s not about X (or if it is, that’s only 1% of the story). It’s about the dynamic, the power struggle, the energy drain. 

So, if you are dealing with a narcissist right now – what is X in your situation?

And what is their real goal? 

You may need to go with your gut on the second question. If you are completely stumped you might be able to figure it out by looking at the effect they are having and working back from there. 

2. The Self-Esteem Ship is Sinking and Sinking

This is one of the hardest aspects of dealing with a narcissist – that they love to see you suffer. It’s the polar opposite to being an empath. 

I have seen clients get into really bad shape when involved for too long in a struggle of some kind with a narcissist. I mean, it’s not great to be around them in general – usually the health of the culture around them ends up suffering at least a little from their presence, or a lot if they are in a leadership position.

But going head-to-head with one, or being the punching bag of one… I’ve seen it have long-lasting detrimental effects. 

Things that make it worse seem to be: a tendency to be self-critical already, being a people-pleaser, having been bullied in the past, having low self-esteem to start with, lacking emotional support and/ or a tendency to be hyper-responsible. 

And if you identify with any of those points, don’t worry! It’s never too late to get therapy and/ or work on yourself to start feeling better. And it’s worth saying that a ton of people share these issues, so if you’re feeling alone at all – you’re anything but. 

Things that make it better: having a whole rich life that is nothing to do with the narcissist, good levels of self-esteem, ways of finding self-fulfilment, a sense of being in a community, good levels of self-respect, being clear about one’s own “rightness” and boundaries, feeling good about yourself, having fun, feeling love, feeling connected, healing experiences (like being around kids/ animals/ water/ nature etc). 

So if you find your self-esteem has taken a plunge I recommend plotting out a plan to restore your self-esteem and connection to yourself and to the world (and you know, to colours and fun and pleasantness) and putting into action. 

3. They End Up in Places They Shouldn’t Have Access to 

Boundaries are often more of a hypothetical to these people – well, unless you’re trying to cross theirs! And then it’s a very tangible concrete and barbed wire affair. 

While they’re distracting you with other things, trying to disarm you with charisma or insults, using the element of surprise or coming at you over and over again to wear you down, they’re trying to cross a line. Holding the line is tricky, but it’s easier once you know that’s what they’re trying to do. 

If you’re dealing with a narcissist right now – what is the line they are trying to cross? 

And is there also another, less tangible one they’re trying to cross also? 

For example, let’s say you’re in business with one and they broke a contract – that’s crossing a line in an obvious way. But underneath that, perhaps they have also crossed a line of where you feel safe. Say you used to trust in people to be professional, and now your trust has been shaken. In a way, they crossed a boundary into your inner life, making it slightly worse. 

(let’s set aside the argument right now of: they didn’t make you feel anything – you decide how to feel. Let’s just keep it simple for now – a snake bites you and you feel pain. That’s actually a pretty good metaphor…)

So, considering that – what boundaries have they actually crossed?

As I mentioned in the self-esteem bit above, some of us are more vulnerable than others (and there’s no judgement there – we’ve all got stuff to deal with). If you start with a larger void inside you where ideally self-love and self-esteem would be, the more real estate a narcissist can try and take up. I mean, they’ll take up as much as they can when they’re interested in you, whether that is to be liked by you or to hurt you – or both. Either way they’re “space-invaders” and they’ll take as much as they can. 

4. They Make Our Healthy Anger Seem Unhealthy

It’s natural to push back against boundary-invasions with anger but I’ve found narcissists tend to use this against us, either muddying the water by confusing the facts, or calling us “emotional” or “irrational” (more likely if you’re female, yay!), or insinuating to others that we’re unstable.

You might feel like reacting in the heat of the moment to a narcissist: shoot out an email, make an angry call, make a fast decision. But that is usually what they want and you often come off worse. If it is a situation where it is safe and sensible to wait, then I recommend writing in your journal, talking to a friend or a sympathetic co-worker, or anything else you can do to vent your strong emotions. Then take a step back and think about what you actually want. 

Then, you can use your anger, but you should try and use it for controlled, purposeful steps that are well-thought out and logical. 

5. They Often Steer Your Goals Without You Noticing

You’ll nearly never win an ego-battle with a narcissist. But your goal should never be to win that struggle – what’s the point in beating someone who is broken at being broken?

You have to think about what your end goal is. They will make you so angry you may think about them way too much, fixate on proving them wrong or stopping them from getting what they want. That’s all about them. It’s already way too “about them”. 

What do you want? What is the best goal for you?

And what have they made you feel (reactively) like the goal is?

If there’s a difference – how are you going to shift yourself to work towards your real goal?

Keep coming back to what you want, how you want to show up in the world, the kind of person you want to be, even when dealing with someone suffering from narcissism. Especially when dealing with them, because it’s so easy to get blown off-course. 

And even if your intention is “I don’t want to be anything like this person”, you’re still letting the narcissist dictate the direction. 

Keep coming back to what is genuine for you. 

OK, next week I’ll release the second half of this article. I didn’t realise I knew so much about them until I started writing! I will give you 4 more important tips for dealing with them, but until then try and use the information and tools above.

And if you have been adversely affected by this issue I recommend you reach out to your mental health provider and/ or find a local support group to help you (This article has advice on finding a support group).

As always, take care!

lake and mountain

My 5 Tips to Boost Wellness

I made a little video to help you feel better in 5, with 5 tips you can use to improve your overall wellbeing fast. They are quite eclectic because this is about the our whole self, why not have a try and let me know how you get on!

If you prefer to read my tips instead, here’s the video transcription:

Hi, my name is Suzanne Wylde. And here are my five tips for cultivating total wellness.

1. My first tip is movement, whatever kind of movement you like to engage in, it’s so important for our bodies. In fact, our bodies are designed with movement included. So if you’re not moving your body is not functioning optimally. But it’s not just about looking and feeling good. It’s about thinking clearly, and feeling emotionally well as also, because movement is good for all aspects of ourselves. So whether that’s dancing, having a stretch out, going for a run, going for a walk, try and includes movement in every day. So whether that’s dancing, running, going for a walk, having a stretch out, just generally moving, try to include some form of movement in your day, every day.

2. The next tip is recognising unhelpful thinking patterns. I think we all do this, you know, you get into a groove of worrying about a certain thing, having negative thoughts, or even excessively positive but unrealistic thoughts. And this will usually be a pattern that you’re quite familiar with. Most of us try and fight fire with fire – so when we’re worrying, for example, we try and tell ourselves is nothing to worry about. But when we’re being too optimistic, too positive, it doesn’t really feel real. Instead, try and introduce a positive yet realistic thought. So let’s say you’re worried about going to a party, and feel nervous about socialising. Instead of saying “I’m the most going to be the most popular person at the party”, just say, “I’m going to go, it’s going to be a bit tough, but I’ll meet someone interesting probably, and I’ll find out something interesting. I’ll have an okay time”. Managing your unhelpful thinking patterns this way by interrupting them with a more positive yet realistic thought is a really good thing to do for our mental well being.

3. My third tip is learning to expand your capacity to feel uncomfortable emotions. I didn’t say negative emotions, because a lot of us can even be uncomfortable with joy, excitement, love, for example, depending on the quantities. Our ability to feel emotion dictates our ability to experience ourselves and the world. But this doesn’t mean we want to get thrown into emotions, or wallow in them or let them be completely in control. What it means is when you have a feeling, see if you can just feel it as fully as you can, for as long as you can, before attaching a story to it or trying to argue with it. And this is the same whether it’s emotional pain, or excitement, love, joy or fear. Try and just feel the emotion first, and then get to the root of it by listening to what it has to say. The only emotional state I would not recommend this for is depression, although that’s a different thing than these other pure emotions.

4. Try to be completely honest with yourself. Now I know that we all do things that are a little bit on the edge in terms of our own morality and values. Sometimes maybe we argue with a parking ticket that we know that we deserved, or try to get some free stuff and break a couple of competition rules or something or even maybe worse than that – telling outright lies. Aside from extolling the benefits of being moral, which I believe in and living according to your own values, aside from that, it’s also really important to be honest with ourselves. So let’s say that I told a lie. That would be fairly bad, obviously. But I want to be honest with myself about what I did, I don’t want to lie also to myself. The reason that this is really important for mental well being is it means that you’re quite integrated as a person, it means that you’re not fighting against knowing something all the time or fighting to suppress parts of you that know something. Because when you lie to yourself, you create a divide in yourself with one part that says “I didn’t do anything wrong” and the other part that knows that you did do something wrong. The clearer you can be with yourself in your awareness of your reality and the way that you act and speak and feel, the better.

5. My fifth tip is a really important one. And it’s one that none of us do enough, probably me included. And that is to ground yourself, and be in the present moment fully. This has been talked about a lot and is something that we all need, because the more that we’re looking at screens, and thinking about complex concepts, the less we’re being in our bodies in the present moment. Not many of us are athletes, or, well – I suppose many of us are construction workers. But most of us don’t have physical jobs. And even those of us who do have physical jobs, we are not connected with our body in terms of listening to it, we’re sort of dictating to it: “run really fast, do this, do that, pick up this, pick up that” – but not listening to our bodies.

When we come back into our body, when we really are aware of the sensations it gives us a moment of peace and resting within ourselves. And this moment is really, really important in terms of letting go of stress. Not overthinking, and over-worrying all the time, not pushing ourselves beyond our natural limits in terms of our energy levels. And just for feeling relaxed and happy. So to ground yourself, I have a couple of meditations that you can do, but one really easy visualisation is to picture roots going down through from your feet through down into the earth and drawing up that earth energy into your body. But if that’s not your cup of tea, just going out in nature, gardening and trying to be mindful day to day, things like that can really help you ground yourself.

I hope you enjoyed these five tips for total wellness! For more information and advice and self development and well being just hit subscribe to my YouTube channel, or check out my books, and self development resources.

Tea and Transformation

By now it’s official (irreversible) – I have a full-on love affair with tea. There is probably nothing quite as glorious as a full, fresh pot of tea waiting to be enjoyed, maybe with a book to go with it. However, recently I have noticed a worrying trend (both in the UK and the US), which is that certain places pride themselves on making the “perfect” cup. This translates as letting your tea steep for a set amount of time (timed on a timer) and then giving you only the liquid so it can’t get any stronger. 

The problem with this is that most experienced tea-drinkers like their tea at different strengths. It’s just down to individual taste. 

Another problem is that you remove all the beautiful variation of enjoying the tea at different stages of taste and colour. One of my favourite memories of Beijing was going for  tea ceremonies and spending time enjoying the different fragrances and tastes of each cup, getting a very different experience with every subsequent pour from the pot. 

And then there’s always the joy of feeling really sleepy/ unmotivated and waiting till your tea has the consistency of jam to really get you going. OK maybe not jam.. but definitely up to Northern/ industrial strength!

Now, to reach only slightly awkwardly for a metaphor, self-development is a bit like this too. New realisations, behaviours or recently-discovered parts of ourselves take time to percolate through our system and sink in. Allowing the time and space to let this happen organically means we don’t risk missing out on fully-embracing or integrating an important part of our experience. I have never seen a client or myself trying to rush this bit without skipping over or missing something and just having to circle back later. There’s something genuinely kind about giving yourself the time and space you need without any expectation of the outcome. It leaves room for subtlety and nuance and removes any self-inflicted pressure from notions we may have about being on a particular schedule or moving forward in a specific way.

… Real exploration is open-ended…

So, please enjoy your tea – don’t muzzle it. And maybe try to leave pauses where there should be pauses, honouring yourself with a spacious attitude of self-kindness.  

And now I get to finish my little pot of Yunnan green tea, no timer in sight 😉

Sneak Preview of My New Book Cover

I am super excited to show you the cover to my new book, eta October 2019 [updated eta is April 2020 – I hope you don’t mind waiting a little longer]!

It has been a bit of an epic journey writing the book, and so it is wonderful to have a cover that reflects all the work and passion I put into it. Really looking forward to sharing this work with you.

If you want to stay updated on the book release just sign up to the form below.

The Art of Coming Home by Suzanne Wylde

# 6 Hanging Out With Our Inner Child

Our inner child is the part of us who didn’t grow up, stop playing, dreaming or exploring. He or she is still in there, hoping we will come out and play, listen to them and comfort them. This is one of the exercises from the book, which I really enjoy – I hope you do too.

Speaking to our Inner Child

It can be funny when we start to do this kind of work, imagining a child within us, but then for many of us the memory of how we were as a child returns quite clearly. The clothes we liked, our hairstyle, the way we stood and acted. In the exercise below we are going to call to mind our inner child so that we can speak to him or her and it can be really nice to see them again.

On some days you may connect with yourself at 5 years old, on others at 9 or 16; allow whatever age wants to talk to you to come up. Also, take this exercise at your own pace and above all have the attitude of kindness to yourself and your inner child.

Exercise: Speaking to our Inner Child

a) Start by sitting comfortably, closing your eyes and breathing in a relaxed way.

b) Picture yourself as a child – whichever age comes to mind is fine. Notice their clothes and hair, facial expression and how they are standing.

c) In your mind’s eye say hello to them and then ask them if there is anything they want. Wait for the answer patiently, try not to have any expectations about what you think they “should” say.

d) If they do not want anything, ask if there is anything they would like to say. Again, wait for the response with an open mind. If they did ask for something, you can imagine giving them what they ask for (such as a hug) or even plan to do something in real life with them, if it is practical. 

e) You can talk to your inner child as much as you feel is the right amount, always allowing them as much time to respond to questions as they need, and giving them the opportunity to ask questions.

f) When you feel you have finished it is nice to imagine giving them a warm hug and telling them you appreciate and love them.

How do you feel now you have done that? If they asked to something, you can do it and imagine them there with you. If it is something a little less convenient, you can imagine a substitute that will help them to feel the same way. So, for example, if they wanted to go skydiving you can go on the swings or a rollercoaster, to feel free and excited.

Whether it is colouring, cartoons or exploring, enjoy spending this time with your inner child! After all life is too short to be a grown-up all the time 😉

Personal Year Review

As a side note, you can now get a complete guide to doing a personal annual review here.

Although my book deadline is fast approaching and I probably should be writing, I felt like I wanted to write a quick post on the ritual of intentionally looking back on our year. This week before Christmas feels different to the others, as if a natural lull is descending. Over the holidays many of us take time out of our normal routines and with this natural interruption in the day-to-day comes a great opportunity to reflect on the year just passed.

This isn’t to critically judge our performance in 2018, but rather to take the time to acknowledge our successes as well as the hard times and see how we have grown. There is not a lot of ritual left in modern society, but it is still a deep-seated need that we have – the act of taking a moment to witness ourselves and our lives is very powerful.

So, although it is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of the holidays, and the dynamics of family, why not take a little downtime for yourself to check in with how things have been for you, how you have been, what you have achieved and where you want to go next. Hopefully we will be able to begin the new year with clear hearts and minds (if not bodies!!).

1. Looking Back

In this exercise we are going to look at the bigger things that have happened, but you might want to look at your calendar to make sure you get all the key ones. Also when doing this is best to be as open and honest as you can and not engage in stories around events (he did this/ she did that because…).

a) Write down the major events of the past year, if you like tables you can draw one like the example below. It does not have to be major in other people’s eyes; just important to you, and it can be good, bad or neutral.

b) Next to each event I would like you to write out all the emotions you experienced around that event (before, during and after as a result of it).

c) Try and identify any main challenges that you faced, whether internal or external, be as detailed as you like.

d) Now write out what you learned from that situation, and how you have grown as a result.

e) In the final column, write how you were successful. We are using this word in the context of doing something that was good for you, which may not seem like success as defined by society’s standards.

My theme:

2. How we did in different areas of lifeIt can be a good idea to look at how happy we have been with different aspects of ourselves and our lives over the last year, so that we can work on improving these in the new year.

Out of 10 mark your level of satisfaction with each of the following (10 being the best). Please note that if you are not travelling much, but are satisfied then it can still be a 10/10 as this is not about anyone else.

Health
Fitness
Eating nutritious food
New experiences
Personal Growth
Friendships
Intimate relationships
Family relationships
Co-worker relationships
Creative expression
Self-expression
Making needed changes
Learning new things
Improving skill or knowledge at work
Making useful connections for work
Doing Exciting things
Having a stable home life
Travel
Taking healthy chances
Examining beliefs and values
Living according to own values

This is not to feel bad about ourselves at all, in fact we should celebrate the areas where we are doing really well, but it is useful to know where we might like to put some more energy next year.

3. Major Successes from last year

Above we looked at events that happened to us, but here we are going to make as complete a list as possible of all the things we are proud of (or should be proud of) from this year. Include even small things if they are significant to you. Sometimes we forget to celebrate what we have done well and move right on to the next problem, but it is important to acknowledge how much we have achieved so we can build on a feeling of satisfaction and success.

Getting that balance between kindness to ourselves and accountability is important for most self development work. But this is easy once we understand that being kind is not letting ourselves off the hook if we know we self-sabotaged or did not try very hard, and remembering that being accountable is not looking for reasons to criticise ourselves, but just taking responsibility for our behaviour and actions (or inaction).

List of successes:

So, I hope you enjoyed doing your personal review. I have found it a great way to think about how I have been, what I have done, what I have avoided doing and what I would like to do in the future. And although this is not about making new years resolutions that may only make it to the second week of January, if you would like to you can set a couple of goals for the next year. Making them quite specific is a good idea, and then you will know if you are achieving them or not and I highly making them realistic. You can look over all the things you have reflected on from the past year, and think about what you would like your next year to look like in general, or maybe what you would like to be writing about this time next year in your personal review.

My goals for next year: 

I hope you found your review useful. Have a great Christmas, Hannukkah, Pancha Ganapati, New Year and Solstice!