I’ve been thinking about change as the wind starts to feel a little colder, the leaves are turning to beautiful reds and oranges and the nights are increasingly encroaching on my evenings (and why does it feel like such a surprise every year?). And more specifically, I’ve been considering how we’re dealing with change during the pandemic.

Change and the pandemic

We’ve all experienced such a massive shift in our lives over the past year and a half, and many of us have navigated this without any explicit support. While a company going through a transition might use change consultants to come in and help employees adapt – most of us have been just trying to ride out the shifting currents and keep our head above water, while also keep an eye on the horizon. 

Change pretty much always guarantees that we will gain something and we will lose something. So, it’s very likely that something about your life changing dramatically was a kind of loss, whether you thought of it that way or not. You may even have some residual grief or charged feelings about it that are still affecting you on some level. 

If you’re wondering how this would manifest, here’s an example: as the world opens up more and more, a person feels strong emotions arising, but part of this is actually residual after-effects of that initial shock and period of change. Or, someone seems to have coped well on the surface but deep down they’re not feeling good, or they seem fine but every now and then bite someone’s head off, then maybe there’s an edge there that needs to be addressed. 

Navigating the after-effects and residual emotions

So what can we do, if we still have some residual baggage to shake off? 

It goes without saying, but if you need help from a pro then seek that out first. 

But, if you’re doing pretty well, a good first step is to look at the way change affects us. One of my favourite models for this is the Kubler-Ross change Curve, and this is interesting because it is basically the same as the 5 stages of grief. It helps us to understand the complicated emotions we go through in response to a significant change. 

Looking at this diagram you can probably relate to at least a couple of things you felt when the pandemic started, and perhaps at different points through the whole 18+ months. It’s helpful to know that while we generally move from the left to right, we can also slide back a step or two, or get stuck at one of the stages (except the last one). For example, some people who are not coping well may be stuck at the frustration/anger or depression stage (although some groups seem to have taken up camp in the denial stage, they actually appear to be stuck at anger to me). 

Can you identify a stage that you are currently struggling with? If you can, try to keep an open mind and wonder what the best way to move through it would be. 

Emotions, triggers and perspective

It’s also a really good idea to try working through the emotions you’re feeling that are not resolving themselves. There are loads of different ways to process emotions, too many to cover here – but talking to a therapist, doing some creative self-expression or writing in your diary (journal) can all really help. 

Another helpful step is to identify anything that is currently a trigger for you and think about the reason for it. Some examples of triggers include: someone may have found lockdown hard because the isolation may have reminded them of not having friends at school, but another person may hate it because they feel powerless and they usually feel safe by staying in control, while someone else may detest being told what to do by the government because it reminds them of their unkind and controlling parent. There are so many ways we can be triggered and most are specific to us, shaped by our experiences growing up and our personality.

There’s an exercise in another post that I think you may find helpful if you’re having a really hard time accepting the situation – whether that is the pandemic in general, returning to the office, or another tricky situation. On the 2^nd half of this page you’ll find an exercise called Embracing the Challenge designed to help you get more perspective and feel more empowered, positive and in control. If you enjoy it, why not send it to a friend?

I want you to know I’m not writing about this in a cerebral, detached kind of way – I’ve had to process a lot throughout the past year and a half and I continue to work with my emotions as I move forward through inner and outer change, while supporting my coaching clients in their own similar-but-different processes. This isn’t self-indulgent – it’s a way of staying connected to yourself and what’s important to you and making sure you’re moving in the right direction. 

Look ahead to where you’re going

Generally speaking, although it’s great to keep an eye on problems, we want to be moving towards something positive instead of away from negatives. It helps us stay in a more open and creative state, consciously choosing the right kind of life, instead of living defensively. This will look a bit different to all of us, but if I use myself as an example, I was getting a bit down over people not wearing masks because I have a long history (20 years) of working with clients to keep them healthy, many of whom are vulnerable and will be affected both by rising infection numbers, and psychologically by not wanting to leave the house. However, the stress was very bad for me and it wasn’t going to change the behaviour of the general public, so I still wear a mask in order to live in line with my values, protect others and stay healthy, but I try to orient myself towards the projects I am working towards and supporting clients in having the quality of life at home and work that fulfils them.

Getting the balance right between working through your emotions to surf the waves of change, while looking in a positive direction is tricky, and we won’t get it right all the time. It’s easy to “decide” to be positive while deep down we’re feeling a bit low or angry, but this work is not about perfection, it’s about checking in with ourselves and making adjustments – sometimes just tiny, but important ones.  

Whatever direction you are heading in, I hope this has helped a little. Feel free to share this with a friend if you know someone who’s been going through a challenging time and could use a little boost.

And I want to leave you with one last question – if change is always a gain as well as a loss, what is it that you have gained over the past year and a half? It might feel good to take a moment to be grateful for these unexpected gifts. 

Would you like to read my free short guide to the important self-development tips I wish I’d known when I was younger? You can sign up for your copy here.

Finally, I am so pleased to be able to share with you the cover for my picture book Perfect: a Self-Love Adventure!

I have finished the manuscript and even had some reviews start to come in, you can read the first one below. And with no further ado, here is the cover:

What do you think?

I have heard from my advance readers that the little ones they are reading with are enjoying the book and also having some interesting talks about the topics covered. Here is the very first review, from a parent who enjoyed reading it with her little girl:

Review from an advance reader:

‘My husband and I are both British Born Chinese and we are now parents to an almost 2-year old toddler. Both my husband and I absolutely loved growing up in this country but we both grew up questioning our identity for at least part of our childhood because of our culture and how different we looked to all of our other friends. Now we are parents, we’ve been thinking ourselves about how to talk about these important themes of culture and diversity with our extremely chatty daughter and ‘Perfect’ is the first book I have read to her about these topics. Although she’s only 2, I was personally really impressed at how much she engaged with this book from the first read. The pictures are beautiful, colourful and original and the text engaging and thoughtfully and sensitively put together. As with ‘open-ended’ toys, I see this book also as being ‘open-ended’ – at a younger age you can use it for vocabulary, the rhymes and to look at pictures and colours. As my daughter gets older, I can see myself using this to ask her questions about the various scenarios being presented, to reflect on how different characters might be feeling and how we might react ourselves if we were in their position. The activities in the book as well as the colouring sheets are also genius ways of making the book even more fun and to reinforce the learning!  

‘Perfect’ is a great book that offers a safe space for ourselves and our daughter to start having these important and sensitive conversations about diversity, self-acceptance and emotional regulation. It deserves a space on every child’s bookcase and I know that we will be revisiting this book with our daughter time and time again.’
– Lily Lai

If you’re interested in buying a copy or even recommending it to a friend, pre-orders are available on Amazon for the ebook in the UK, US and Australia among other countries, Barnes and Noble, Apple Books, Thalia, Bolde and other sites and shops soon. The paperback and hardcover copies will be available to buy from the 7th July.

I will also have some signed copies I can send out directly, feel free to sign up to the mailing list on this page to be notified when the book is released, and to receive some free colouring pages. 

“In our great big world, 

some things are always true.

I am perfect just the way I am, 

and you are perfect too.”

In my coaching and alternative therapy practice I have noticed a sharp increase in demand for tools for mental wellness in both children and teenagers. I have always felt that there are some things we should learn from a young age, such as how to deal with difficult emotions and feel centred, which would help people to feel confident and stay connected to themselves as they grow. The pressures today’s children face make this more important than ever. 

Last year I decided to use the time I would normally spend on in-person work with clients (paused by the pandemic), to write and illustrate a children’s book called Perfect. It is an inclusive book with children of different ethnicities, some with different challenges and features including; a disability, visual impairment, a limb difference, a port wine stain, Down Syndrome and a cleft lip and palate. 

However, the book is not about any of these things, it is all about self-love, resilience and staying true to ourselves, while accepting each other. 

Writing this book was a huge challenge for me, and it really pushed me to work on my artistic abilities also as you can see from this progression of one of the characters in my book! 

There are a variety of different situations and characters responding to challenges, which will give you a lot to talk about with the reader (including a handy small glossary in the back in case you get stuck for a correct term).

And there are some very simple exercises you can do together, which the child can remember and use by themselves when things feel difficult.

If you’re interested in buying a copy or even recommending it to a friend, pre-orders are available on Amazon for the ebook in the UK, US and Australia among other countries (paperback will also be available). I will also have some signed copies I can send out directly, feel free to sign up to the mailing list on this page to be notified when the book is released, and to receive some free colouring pages. 

“In our great big world, 

some things are always true.

I am perfect just the way I am, 

and you are perfect too.”

This is a guest post written and kindly shared by Michael Arnold of FEAT Acupuncture. and a topic I resonate with strongly having helped many people of all genders rediscover the feminine within them.

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Shortly after my parents divorced my mum announced that she was going to join an organisation called SCUM – the Society for Cutting Up Men. She was joking but underneath there was a deep anger towards men.

At one point I started to internalise this and wonder if I was bad for simply being male.

Many years later I read Eckhart Tolle talking about what happened during the middle ages when millions of innocent women were killed and tortured (1):

“Nobody knows the exact figure because records were not kept, but it seems certain that during a three-hundred-year period between three and five million women were tortured and killed by the “Holy Inquisition,” an institution founded by the Roman Catholic Church to suppress heresy. This surely ranks together with the Holocaust as one of the darkest chapters in human history. It was enough for women to show a love for animals, walk alone in the fields or woods, or gather medicinal plants to be branded a witch and then tortured and burned at the stake. The sacred feminine was declared demonic, and an entire dimension largely disappeared from human experience.

Who was responsible for this fear of the feminine that could only be described as acute collective paranoia? We could say: Of course, men were responsible. But then why in many ancient pre-Christian civilizations such as the Sumerian, Egyptian, and Celtic were women respected and the feminine principle not feared but revered? What is it that suddenly made men feel threatened by the female? The evolving ego in them. It knew it could gain full control of our planet only through the male form, and to do so, it had to render the female powerless. Other cultures and religions, such as Judaism, Islam, and even Buddhism suppressed the female dimension, although in a less violent way. Women’s status was reduced to being child bearers and men’s property. Males who denied the feminine even within themselves were now running the world, a world I that was totally out of balance. The rest is history or rather a case history of insanity.

In time, the ego also took over most women, although it would never become as deeply entrenched in them as in men. We now have a situation in which the suppression of the feminine has become internalised, even in most women. The sacred feminine, because it is suppressed, is felt by many women as emotional pain. In fact, it has become part of their pain-body, together with the accumulated pain suffered by women over millennia through childbirth, rape, slavery, torture, and violent death.”

Eckart also says:

“If the balance between male and female energies had not been destroyed on our planet, the ego’s growth would have been greatly curtailed. We would not have declared war on nature, and we would not be so completely alienated from our Being.”

You only have to look at our current situation to see why losing touch with the sacred feminine principle is so dangerous. An international group of scientists recently reported that the Covid pandemic was a “direct consequence of human activity – particularly our global financial and economic systems, based on a limited paradigm that prizes economic growth at any cost.” (2).

Growth belongs to the Yang or masculine dimension and care and nurturing belongs to the sacred feminine or Yin dimension. Get the balance wrong and the planet (a highly intelligent being) is forced to try to correct the imbalance.

As Eckart points out men also have access to the sacred feminine. It is also fair to say that women have access to the sacred masculine. A healthy society values both equally. This might translate as motherhood being valued equally highly as being a film star or a successful business person. Or the health of the planet being valued as highly as GDP. Unfortunately this is not yet the case. 

Many women who come to my clinic describe feeling under enormous pressure not only to be a successful mother but also to be successful in their career and to be successful as a supportive wife and a great friend. They often feel the need to embrace the masculine principle of growth, striving and becoming over the feminine principle of presence, peace and nurturing. The corporate world and the corridors of power are still dominated by men and by Yang ideology and energy. Many women feel they have to adopt a hard Yang approach to even compete with men. And yet often when they express themselves forcefully they face a backlash from men who feel threatened by them. Greta Thunberg is just one such woman who has had to face brutal assault for standing up for her beliefs and the environment. Meanwhile men like Donald Trump legitimise sexual assault and are still allowed to run the world’s most powerful nation. I don’t want to get into the realm of politics but I feel these examples show that we still have a long way to go.

But things are shifting. They have to, otherwise our obsession with growth will surely kill us off as a species. The huge rise in popularity of mindfulness, meditation, yoga, natural medicine and spiritual teaching is a clear indication that people are starting to go inward and connect with the subtle power of the feminine principle. The huge global popular support for the environment movement is another testament to this shift. And thanks to the popularity of people like Brené Brown more people are talking about vulnerability, without which no true loving connection is possible. Men are also getting in touch with their emotions and the power of the Yin dimension within them. This can be seen (among other places) in the rise of men’s sharing circles and the beginning of awareness of toxic masculinity (as opposed to healthy masculinity).

The Dalai Lama has said that:

“The world will be saved by the western woman” 

Again Eckhart Tolle is extremely enlightening on exactly why this may well turn out to be the case. He says:

“But things are changing rapidly now. With many people becoming more conscious, the ego is losing its hold on the human mind. Because the ego was never as deeply rooted in women, it is losing its hold on women more quickly than on men. I believe this is why women will lead the way.”

Stay safe,

Lots of love,

Michael

Image: The Godess, by Eddi van W:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/spiritual_marketplace/3003158871/in/photostream/

References:
1. Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
2. IPBES Guest Article: COVID-19 Stimulus Measures Must Save Lives, Protect Livelihoods, and Safeguard Nature to Reduce the Risk of Future Pandemics: https://ipbes.net/covid19stimulus

FEAT
Five Element Acupuncture Treatment and Training
www.feat.uk.com

A specific kind of annual review for a very specific kind of year.

As a side note, you can now get a complete guide to doing a personal annual review here.

Doing a personal annual review is a great way to look back on the year drawing to a close and take stock of how far we’ve come – but we probably need to do it a different way this year. Many of us will not have achieved the goals we set out for ourselves at the beginning of 2020, but we have achieved a lot in other ways. We have all also lost something and experienced hardships that most of us had no way of preparing for. So I’m going to set out an annual review roadmap specifically for this year.

Many of us might not feel like looking back, only looking ahead to the year we hope will be much better. But I think there’s gold in them thar hills – we owe it to ourselves to acknowledge what we have survived, how we have adapted, how we have made sacrifices to keep others safe. We have literally given up our normal lives so that others can keep living theirs.

So in this post I’m going to look at some ways that we might be able to do an annual review for a year like nothing we’ve seen before. To recognise our effort and our growth and to mourn the things we’ve lost. We could put these feelings and thoughts off until later, but if you feel up to it I think it could help you.

While you do this I recommend that you sit somewhere quiet, use a notebook or diary to write down your thoughts and be kind to yourself. We’ve all made mistakes and not always been the people we have wanted to be at times, but a sense of self-compassion can help us to see ourselves as we are and to change if we need to.

1. The Things we Overcame

This is a great place to start, to get the obstacles and challenges off your chest. We will be using three columns, so you can draw those on your page.

a) Make a list on the left side of the page of all the tough things you’ve experienced this year – these could be around work, relationships, feeling disconnected or others.

b) Then in the middle column, write all the positives that came about through this obstacle. They might be hard to think of at first, but stick with it. It could include things you learned about yourself, the ways you adapted, the strength you discovered in yourself, values you realise are important to you. Try and find the most real positives you’ve gained and if you really can’t think of a positive for a challenge that’s ok, you can come back to it later.

c) Now think of how these positives may benefit you in the future and write these in the right hand column. Why not also take a moment for each one to feel good about how you rose to meet a challenge. And if you feel like one or more defeated you, knowing that you’re still here and still going is evidence that you got through it.

2. Acknowledging What we Have Lost

Some of us have suffered extreme losses such as the death of loved ones, while others of us have suffered other kinds of loss – long separation from friends and family, losing a job, loss of our peace of mind, maybe even the loss of innocence in a way.

This is a personal annual review for yourself only – so try to give yourself permission to feel grief for the things you’ve lost, even if others have lost more. Even those of us who have been fortunate have lost something, and taking the time to name it and to acknowledge our feelings can help us to understand ourselves and our experience.

We will be using four columns.

a) Write all the things you feel grief over losing on the left hand side.

b) Then in the second column write down your emotions around each one. I know it can be tough to dwell on negative emotions, so only do as much as you can handle right now, but it can also be very healing to get it all out in the open and on paper.

c) Then in the third column write what each loss and its emotions means about you. For example, if your loss was “meeting up with friends”, your feelings were “frustration, restlessness, boredom, anxiety” and you think about what this means about you as a person deep down (and with an open mind) you might realise “I need human connection and stimulating conversation because I like to be challenged intellectually. I am also a caring person and I miss time spent around people”.

This is a very individual process and it would be almost impossible to predict what someone else would put in that third column because it is something you know about yourself deep down. And this is what we are really grieving the loss of.

d) If you would like to, you can then go through each and be grateful for times when you did have that person, thing or activity.

e) In the final column you can create an affirmation of something positive you can do now and/or the future, that includes the deeper meaning. For instance, using the example above; “when it is safe to meet up again, I am really going to appreciate my friends and show them that I care. For now I am going to connect with them in the ways I can and enjoy the mental stimulation of challenging conversation”.

3. Looking at What We Want to Carry Forward

In step 1. we looked at things you gained through experiencing hardships. Take some time to think about anything else you gained this year, maybe; time to be creative, resilience, compassion, patience, better communication, more zoom skills or others.

In this freestyle exercise, jot down what you have gained this year that you want to carry into next year and how it might make your life better.

4. Letter to 2020 You

I think that this simple exercise might be a good way to gain some closure around the difficulties of this year, to acknowledge everything we’ve been through and the ways we have grown as people.

So in this very freestyle and kind letter, write to yourself from earlier this year to say what you are grateful for and proud of.

Take care of the emotions of that earlier self, acknowledge their experience fully, maybe offer them some encouragement and love. Also, acknowledge kindly what could have been better this year as well as what you did that was great. This can include anything that is significant to you, perhaps being grateful for all the thousands of tiny things you did to keep yourself and loved ones healthy, being proud of helping someone, making someone smile, being understanding about losing your temper, knowing how you’ve been strong when you had to be.

Write the letter that would have made the biggest difference to you to read this year and try to write it from the heart. You may be surprised at what comes up, you may even find that some resolutions for the next year naturally come to light.

I would write the date on it also, because it will likely make an interesting read when you come across it in years to come.

Whatever you discovered about yourself from looking back at this year, I hope you have found that you have gained something special from a very difficult time, and it is something you can carry forward to help you in the next year and in life. I wish you a peaceful and fulfilling end of the year!

Great next step: enrol on the course for achieving your authentic goals. Free for a limited time only.

These times are a challenge, there’s no doubt. Moments of calm interspersed with waves of panic or anxiety, and then moments of happiness and connection. 

It can be hard to find our feet. 

I have been working with people to understand their feelings for a long time and I wanted to offer people a really concise process for working through these strong emotions when they come up. 

And I am glad to say I have just finished writing a short book over the course of the last two weeks (rather than 1.5 years like my last one – sorry in advance if you find a typo!) to teach people how to do this. 

Why should we work through our feelings?

When I work with people the start of a session is often about helping people to become calm and centred. This means that we can actually do something meaningful together – because you need that sense of centredness and safety to make a change

So the extra challenge of these times is that we are never able to completely reach a state of certainty or resolution which we can build on. 

That is OK for a few weeks, but as this situation is around for a while it is really important to do the work of processing the feelings that come up. Then we can develop more and more self-control and self-understanding irrespective of external events. 

What can we do in this situation?

This is not just about being stoic and “getting through” tough times. It is about using this intense situation as fuel for our own self-knowledge and quality of life. 

Difficult, raw emotions hold a lot of information within them, which can teach us more about ourselves. The exercises in this book will teach you some of the basics you need to know in order to get to this information. 

I know that for many people this is the scariest situation they have ever been in, while for many others it pales in comparison to difficult childhoods, past losses or other very hard times. But whatever your level of “being used to difficulty”, through the current difficult times we can become more resilient, self-aware, grounded and loving.

Of course this does not mean never being afraid, or worried, or never having a sleepless night. It is about using every opportunity we can to come out of this stronger and happier overall. 

Some of the good we can find

A lot of people I have worked with had, in the past, believed that the key to happiness was in avoiding or preventing difficulties, or pushing away negative emotions.

But actually, difficulties show us what is important to us, what we really want and also negative emotions are what sane people have in hard times. They are telling us to take care of ourselves and our loved ones and often when we have listened to them fully, they dissipate.

So some of the possible take-aways from this situation might be:

• Learning to feel our feelings fully and listen to what they are saying
• Improving our relationship to our own emotions 
• Using the focus created by an uncertain situation to give us clarity (not on the future situation but on ourselves)
• Using the toughness of the situation to become stronger
• Using difficult times to strengthen bonds and develop meaning

Above I mentioned becoming stronger and by this I don’t mean harder or more closed-off. I mean stronger as in more: open-hearted, in our integrity, self-expressive, honest with ourselves and using our talents to help others.

I have felt a powerful urge to be useful and I know that many other people feel the same way – not just other therapists. Although this work is invisible, by working through our own emotions we will also be more available to help and support others so it can have a powerful impact. 

Affordable for you and free for NHS

As I know many of us are facing either financial uncertainty, or are experiencing leaner times right now, I have kept the price very low.

I will also be offering this ebook for free to NHS workers (if you are one just email me a photo of your NHS ID and I will send you back your copy, please be patient as admin takes me some time!).

So if you could share the link to this blog article with any NHS staff you know, or the link to the book on my site for everyone else (https://www.suzannewylde.com/happyandstrong) that would be wonderful, I really appreciate you taking the time to do that! I really want it to find its way to the people who need it.

I hope you are keeping well, feeling healthy and have all the support and resources you need.

Take care!